The other day I thought I’d write a story for everybody. Has everyone had to listen to some ramble from their mate about the hazy minutia of their great night out? Nexus has one of those for you. Once upon a time, three thirsty university students decided to go to every bar they could in one night to save everyone else the trouble of doing it.

It was a dark and stormy winter, and Nexus hadn’t bar reviewed since a couple of years ago now, because vitaminC can’t get weekend nights off work, and more shockingly because in a University full of wannabe party people, not one person went up to Nexus and said ‘Hey you guys are always looking for features, how about I go to all the bars and write about it?” Your loss, bitches.

This is part one of the review, where we tried to go to the places that you might not be sure about. That means the new places, the small places, or the big old places that might be a little different now from that one time you went in however long ago. Places like Outback, Bahama Hut, Altitude and Axcess that are still more or less the same as they have always been, will be covered next time we go out, which will be anytime after this is published. If you are reading this and you are at one of those bars and are in charge of the awesome, switch on all of your sparkling lights right now! We could be there.

As evening retreated into night, three confident figures approached the subdued lighting of Victoria Street, barely avoiding the trample of the Nexus review team as we made a beeline for Amber Lounge and its promises of sweet aqua vitae. Amber Lounge is right up at the start of Vic St. next to The Bank, where it was formerly known as Distractions, which was formerly known as Mooses, which is what most people probably remember. As its name advises, this is a lounge environment, and I feel pretty confident in saying that it was coloured amber, or at least something orangey. The music bounces around upbeat funky jazz, which makes for a good background beat but is also fantastic live, which really is the way to experience it. On some nights there are DJs and live musicians to cater for this, but there was nothing on when we went in. The dance-floor area is left looking Spartan when it’s empty, but the seating along the sides, and the bay window that looks out to some on-street couches and braziers draw you out to the street front for a great social and relaxed vibe that downtown Hamilton doesn’t see enough of.

We sat at the big window and laid out some rough plans for the night, while checking out the drinks. There was a deal on for two cocktails for $17, which isn’t bad at all seeing as the current cost of living is something like $7 for a pint. The drinks themselves were made neatly, the cocktail list wasn’t too fancy, and the service was quick and tidy, so while the drinks weren’t mind-blowing, they complimented the rest of the place perfectly. What a lot of people forget when they’re bitching about drinks prices is that you aren’t just paying for the ingredients, you are paying for the music, lighting, seating, service; basically everything you experience at a venue that you wouldn’t get from sitting around in your lounge high-fiving your mates over how many tobasco + agavero funnels you can do before you shit yourself. So to rate the bar somehow, Amber Lounge really nails what it’s trying to do. It’s putting itself out there as a lively environment where you can still relax, as opposed to a low-key den where people “chill out” in the corner. If you think that it sounds like you’ll like it, then I’m saying that you will. If you don’t think you’ll like it, then you should exercise your democratic right to not go there. An interesting aspect of this bar was that Emma had seen lots of people in here with cool hats, and no-one was wearing cool hats, so we wondered where the people in cool hats were. While we were wondering I overheard someone say that their drink was the fruitiest drink they’d had all day, so I approached the bar and asked for their fruitiest drink. I tried it, and while I was analysing the fruitiness I passed it around to Emma and Cam. We all agreed it was the fruitiest drink we’d had all day. After some brief discussion with the barman about the ways of the world and the impact of the current economy on Hamilton’s hospitality industry, we asked him where to go next.

A group of young men, spirits boosted after boosting spirits out of a licensed premise by hiding shotglasses in their socks, round a corner. It’s a simple plan, and with the promise of wooing some Hot Mamas the consequences were as far from their minds as the opening ceremony of the 29th Olympiad exploding into view on a nearby flatscreen TV. He didn’t know it at the time, but a few weeks later one of them would learn a lesson. While reading Nexus, he would discover that Sekure has been around for a while, but while doing a bit of prep for the reviews by asking a whole bunch of people a whole bunch of questions, it kept coming up as a question mark for a lot of people so we thought we’d go check them out again. Also, the bar guy told us to go there next, and also there’s a guy there who makes killer Godfathers, although he wasn’t there the night we went in. The name of the game at Sekure is entertainment at every level, with a particular focus on the bar itself being as much as an attraction as the music and atmosphere. This leads to that fact that Sekure has one of the top bars around, with quality ingredients, attention to detail and entertaining service. I had a chin-wag with top dog Sean about where Sekure stands amongst the Hamilton scene, and the primal part of my brain that only whiskey and amaretto can unlock asked a few questions about how the current economy is affecting the hospo scene.

“Stop cutting prices!” Sean insists, “It cheapens what we do”. He explained that his bar takes pride in its products, and his staff take pride in their service. Discounting drinks is saying to your customers that the product is worth less, which is not the case at Sekure. The quote of the night is “Why would you ask for a $4 cocktail? All you are going to get is a $4 cocktail.” I guess the issue here is where you want to set your personal standards. A lot of people would be offended or embarrassed if they went into a bar with a $500 Sony sound system, so why should drinks be any different? At Sekure you might be paying more, but you are getting more value. You’re in a well maintained environment where you don’t have to have learned Jeet Kune Do just in case you bump into someone, there are top DJs providing the music, and there are bar staff making your drinks the way they should be made. Obviously this is still all dependent on personal taste. Lots of people tend to philosophise along the “I just wanna get drunk for cheap” lines, but it’s worth noting that it’ll cost you a lot less to get hammered on quality drinks that on however many cheap beers it normally takes. Don’t forget that the purpose of a cocktail is to get you as fucked as possible from something that you can drink like juice. Also don’t forget that the drinks are still really well priced, and they’re nowhere near what they might cost if the exact same bar was sitting in Auckland. I’m pretty sure I’ve never paid over $20 for a drink, which is pretty damned good considering some of the drinks I’ve had there. A little note here; if you think that putting in too much ice or not filling your bourbon and coke to the top is a bars’ way of ripping you off, then you should exercise your democratic right to not go to a good cocktail bar. One of the bar staff mentioned that a drink they’d been designing was the fruitiest drink they’d had all week, so I asked for this fruitiest of drinks. I tried it, and while I was analysing the fruitiness I passed it around to Emma and Cam. We all agreed it was the fruitiest drink we’d had all week.

Things were picking up, the night was starting to buzz, and the alcohol was loosening up all the right inhibitions for the intrepid investigators as they sat at the table outside Sekure. The drinks were just right and ‘Low’ by Flo Rida was playing over the speakers; they knew it must be a good song because they’d seen it on C4 a few times. The four girls had never been to a big city before; the bright lights of Matamata had been eclipsed by the fluorescent beckoning of the drinks fridge, and the soft purr of suburbia was being muffled by the aggressive ballad of an African-American rapper and his dance-floor adventures. Their hearts quickened as they spotted three people who were undoubtedly the Nexus bar review team. They didn’t know what Nexus was, but these people were quite clearly heading outside with their drinks to clarify their thoughts and then get them on to paper. And who was that stud wearing the Miami Vice t-shirt?

My commentary stops here, but luckily Emma filled a page in the notebook with bullet-points that sum up the unfolding scene much better than I could: 

• If we wanted to hear ‘Low’ by Flo Rida we’d go to the Outback. 
• Eclectic mix of alternative types. 
• A lot of caps worn to side (there were arrows indicating direction) or backward 
• Bouncer with leather gloves => creepy 
• Interesting ginger haired man – wearing all olive drab/military green trying to entertain bouncer: Hair matches wicked boots 
• Also has toothpick in mouth.

A whole bunch of white guys in caps and open white hoodies and white shoes and puffy satin boxers showed up, so we decided it was time for the next place. Once we’d left, we realised we hadn’t asked where to go next, but since no-one was willing to brave the Chav Brigade inside, I decided we’d check out Shebeen, because it was right next door and also I’d always wondered what it was. I’d heard it described as an African Sports Bar, but this conjures up several different images. One such image is walking into a bar with lion heads all over the walls and every person there is the hunter from Jumanji and they all want to shoot me. Obviously I’d had no compulsion/balls to confirm this, so here was my chance.

Turns out that African Sports Bar means it’s a bar, the guy whose bar it is hails from South Africa, and there are TVs with sports on them. Shebeen is an African name for a bar or pub that caters to a township, and the bar aims to capture that kind of vibe. It’s a café during the day, and at 4pm it turns over to a bar atmosphere. The distinction here is that it’s a very social environment; the lighting is brighter that what a lot of people have come to expect from a late night bar, and the focus is less on music and more on conversation and having a drink, making it a very nice place to chill out. There are booths as well as tables, but the star attraction here is the bar. The selection caters to Kiwi tastes just as well as any other watering hole we have in Hamilton, but there’s also a comprehensive selection of African beers and spirits, chosen to present an analogue to what we are used to drinking. For example, I was drinking bourbon so our host introduced me to African Brandy, which doesn’t resemble the Brandy we know (just kidding, I know none of you animals drink Brandy) so much as it has a very smooth bourbon flavour. Similarly, we were acquainted with cane vodka, which is vodka made from cane sugar. It was a lot clearer (taste wise) than the Russian vodkas and some of the Kiwi vodkas that everyone uses, and while top range Kiwi and Russian express their flavours with a kind of characteristic edge, the flavours in this cane sugar vodka were much smoother. My head thanked me for it the next morning too; if I’d had regular in place of it then I would have been a lot worse for wear. Just to add in here, they also serve biltong, and while I’m no connoisseur I love the stuff and this was the best I’ve ever had. If a little change of scenery sounds like your thing I really recommend dropping in and checking the place out. Have a chat to the man behind the bar whose name I can’t tell you because I lost his card and my notes are gibberish. He sells quart (crate) bottles. Full ones! My notes also have the lyrics to ‘Ánother Night’ by Real McCoy, because I think it was playing. I certainly hope so.

Asking where to go next was quickly forgotten in a haze of cane vodka, so we rocked on over to Fat Bellies down the road. Cam and I hit up the bar and Emma grabbed the notebook and went for gold: 

• My shoes are sticking to the carpet 
• Man wearing shorts 
• Band 
• Ewww Gross 
• Bogans 
• Scary 
• Bartender has massive tits 
• Purple wars 
• Screaming Singer 
• Everything looks too dirty to touch.

So yeah Fat Bellies is awesome. My shoes were sticking to the floor too, which is great because it means I don’t have to sweat about the inevitable spillage that you get when you are holding a drink and there’s live music playing. The band were doing old Blink 182 covers when we came in, which I thought was pretty awesome, and then they started on Enter Sandman after that so no complaints there. I guess the coolest issue here is that while the above list is comes from someone who is not into that pub and rock scene, it actually reads pretty well for someone with different tastes. Going back to what I said earlier about rating a bar on how well it captures the vibe that it’s trying to advertise, Fat Bellies also scores well. It’s like a giant party in someone’s lounge. I had a chat to one of the dudes on the bar about the place and its crowd, and he reckoned they did well as a place where people just come to rock out. There’s a fun atmosphere, great live music, and great bar staff, and great people who come in and have a good time. There are a couple more favourable mentions scribbled in the notebook about the big breasted bar lady, but may I just point out that she was doing a fantastic job on the bar, and bartending to a bunch of drunk rockers isn’t always easy, let alone when none of them can make eye contact with you. Another note is that there was no lemon or lime in the Corona, but to be honest that won’t be your biggest concern if you are into this kind of nightlife. Remember that the main goal of these reviews is to help you judge which bars will suit your tastes, so you can go to the ones you like and if they don’t sound like your thing, you can always exercise your democratic… you know the story.

Three young people cross a road. They are going from Fat Bellies to Rodeo Rodeo.
Rodeo has been around for a while now, so it has carved out its niche and to be honest it’s not very studenty. I don’t just mean typically student, but even with the wide variety of tastes across the student population I don’t think very many people will be into this. We are still covering the place because we went there, and Emma made some more funny notes: 

• Lots of old people 
• Bouncers - tight shirts 
• wanker stance 
• Dickhead in cowboy hat bordering on sexual harassment case 
• He is also extremely ugly 
• Freakishly tall men 
• Theme is somewhat homosexual 
• no lemon with tequila

Rodeo is very small, so is often very packed. Packed to the point where it’s a lot of people standing up next to each other, with a few tiny gaps around some people who are moving slightly to the music. You can hear a lot of Johnny Cash and Bruce Springsteen in there, and while that doesn’t sum up the music 100% it describes its target pretty well. I’m trying to describe this place neutrally but it’s very difficult because I am under thirty. It clearly appeals to people who are a bit over the club thing, or don’t want to look like the dirty old men on a dancefloor. Instead it’s just all of those people packed into one place, but hey they look like they were enjoying themselves. Girls, if you’re interested, a student friend of mine told me once she met a guy in there and he bought her a new dress and ear-rings and took her out for dinner over the space of a couple of weeks and she only had to sleep with him a couple of times. So you could say the place is a good goldmine, if you don’t mind doing a bit of digging. Anyway, we stayed as long as took to write a few notes and do some tequila, and then we exercised our democratic right to leave, just as we heard someone at the bar say “That was the fruitiest cocktail I’ve had all month!” I approached the bar and asked for their fruitiest drink. I tried it, and while I was analysing the fruitiness I passed it around to Emma and Cam. We all agreed it was the fruitiest drink we’d had all month.

The notebook says that the next place we went to was The Bank Bar & Brasserie. The Bank has been known as the old school nightclub in the past, but in the two years since we did the last bar reviews the Hamilton hospo scene has changed considerably, with a surge in the number of bars going for that slightly older and classier crowd. It’s still by far the biggest venue outside the Outback/Bahama Hut/Bar101 circuit though, with a big long bar and sizeable dancefloor. During the day it is one of the regions top casual restaurants, but obviously the review was focussed on the bar side of things. The building itself is iconic; it’s that first big white building you see on the corner of Hood and Vic. We stumbled in to check it out, and find out where it fits into the new scene. The bar is right ahead of the door, so we ordered a few drinks and got to reviewing. The first thing that became apparent from looking around is the spread of clientele. The dance-floor was made up of mostly the student age-group pumping away to some charts music, but there was still that sprinkling of slightly older women that The Bank has been known for. You know; the hot ones. A couple of the leaners further into the bar were surrounded by older guys downing pints, and it looked like there were tables of smokers out in the garden bar but I couldn’t see that far very well. Service has always been a huge distinction point at The Bank: our drinks came quickly and professionally. A point we made in the last bar review about the bouncers received a lot of questions from people, but I’ll stick by it and point out the door and security team are unnervingly friendly. Maybe it’s a throwback to the old chestnut of “Speak softly and carry a big stick” but the guys in red out front are always courteous and relaxed, and there’s surprisingly little trouble. Dan the manager was laying down some beats in the DJ booth while we were there so I ducked in and asked him some questions after making a psychedelic trip across the dancefloor. I’ll just mention here that the dancefloor has seen a huge facelift in the last couple of weeks, so it’s worth checking it out just to see if you like it. Better lighting racks, lasers, and a screen on one wall showing the videos or other visuals has really energised the whole place, at least on the night that we were in, so the pace is a lot faster, which better suits the current nightclub trends Don’t forget that there’s a respectable dress code, so if you like scrubbing up and going somewhere a bit nicer, give it a shot. If you don’t like it, you can always exercise your democratic right to leave.

We had previously reviewed Furnace, but on an earlier night, because we decided that while it very much fits the category of a bar, its niche is quite different from any of the other places around. Also, their pizzas are the best which is a perfect excuse to go there. While they open late, Furnace has a great atmosphere that can best be described as a really late evening drinking environment. Kind of if you were to capture that hour where after-work drinks progress into clubbing. There’s a dancefloor and some funky music, but it never gets too heavy, and the real attraction is sitting down and drinking in a really classy bar environment. The booths, leaners couches and tables are all inviting and comfortable and there’s a really social vibe in the area in front of the bar. Furnace also has some top staff and service, and overall makes a great place to kick off your night or wind up your evening.

If it seems that the last few paragraphs contained a lot less hilarious witticisms and a lot more desperate attempts to remember what happened, well I regret to inform you that it actually started happening way up the near the start of the article. I know that we went to check out Kremlin, but after finding it closed we went to Bar 101 even though we already knew that it was awesome. In the off-chance that you haven’t been there yet, Bar 101 is Hamilton’s only student bar, and by that I mean that they don’t just cater to young folks, but to the people with those magical little red (blue if you’re a Tech student – Ed) ID cards in their wallets. That’s you! The place has really taken off since it’s opened and a lot of the student crowd has gotten behind it, and it is a really nice place. Every time I’ve been in, including this night, the bar was filled with some really cool people, dressed well, having fun, and partying hard. It’s really good to see something like this in Hamilton, and while places like Outback and Bahama Hut do a great job catering to the young’uns, the focus on people who are studying does add that extra something. I interviewed barman extraordinaire Gordy, and I’m really sorry mate but I can hardly remember a thing and my notes frighten me. What I will do instead is remind all you lovely ladies that Gordy will take care of you on the bar like no other, just tell him that Nexus sent you. Cam told me the other day that we actually went to Pie Lab, and I have very vague memories of this but he assured me it was great and I had a great chat to a guy who was working there. Sure enough some of my notes mention Pie Lab with notes like “Dance Oriented, High Energy, Short Playlist, Whatever gets you pumping, $3 shots”. This sounds good so everybody go there. Then again, some of my notes also appear to say “I love your face”, “unsaeanmeny”, and “carnival hat liqueur”. Check out the scans of some of the pages, since our photography leaves something to be desired.

Apparently, Cam and I decided to review Firecats. I can’t remember much except when I went to pay for a lap dance, the guy told me that my card declined so I have him a handful of shrapnel from my pocket (at least $15 worth) and told him to try again. Everything went fine, but the next morning I checked my account and I’d been charged twice, for the full amount. Also, I overhead some girl telling her friend that her drink was the fruitiest drink she’d had all year. Slurring, I asked the girl at the bar for her fruitiest drink. She made it, and I took a taste. While I was analysing its fruitiness I split some of it on the floor, and we all agreed that it wasn’t very fruity.

To the places we haven’t been yet; you’re next! And finally, many thanks to everybody who accommodated us and took the time out to chat with us, we know you are all very busy. To hospo workers everywhere, whenever I think about who I respect the most, you are right there, serving me alcohol.