This has been a year of ups and downs for Nexus, the University of Waikato and the world in general. There have been deaths, births and Nazi-hunts, victories and losses, successes and failures. Let’s turn back the clock and gaze upon all those things we have seen this year, and then gotten drunk and forgotten.

O-Week: What would Waikato be without an O-Week. Victoria University, that’s what. With creepy ponytail hypnotist, Guy Carter, and hilariously unfunny funny-man Dai Henwood entertaining the crowds of students, people quickly started going to other universities or getting lost on the sexually charged arenas of Bar 101 or the Outback.

Cunt on Campus: 27th-29th of April saw more vagina on campus than at a drunken night at Student Village. The WSU’s production of the Vagina Monologues was enjoyed by those who went. Ten actresses bared all for the crowd (at least verbally) as issues such as orgasms, gender equality and rape were investigated through dramatic representations of true life stories. At the end of the production the crowd all chanted “that word” which had N for Nexus in it. We always knew we were a key part of any vaginal experience. The production was very well received and raised money for victims of rape.

Michael Jackson died, which most of you will remember. Most of you are the right age to have been scared that he would turn up at your house in the 90s and made sweet, sweet love to you. Most of you won’t, however, go and see his movie, This Is It. A movie featuring the final days of a dead celebrity only works when there are capes and face paint. Also, in the last few days, it has been confirmed that Paul Anka actually wrote the soon to be released Michael Jackson single. Boo! Hiss!

Farraw Fawcett and Patrick Swayze both passed away from the cancers. One was the object of my fantasies for years. The other was a Charlie’s Angel. Patrick Swayze was the star of such films as Dirty Dancing, Ghost and Road House and featured as a paedophile in Donnie Darko. Farrah Fawcett had massive hair and spent a lot of time in togs. Guess who we are mourning the most. That’s right: boobies win out everytime.

The Samoan Tsunami turned out to be a horrific event for the island paradise and a good reason for every dick head in coastal New Zealand to go stand on the beach. If there had been a proper tidal wave hitting New Zealand, our average IQ would’ve jumped a whole lot. The WSU sprang into action and collected a whole lot of canned food and clothing to send over to our Pacific cousins. Good work WSU. Bad work Mother Nature. You’re a bitch. Also, a few days later another part of the world was shaken by earthquakes. Go and see 2012 when it comes out and tell me you’re not afraid.

Professor James Ritchie, of the University of Waikato Psychology Department, passed away on the 24th of September. With him we lost a link between Maori and Pakeha in this country and a great mind. He promoted the raising of children without physical force and was an all-round stand up guy. He will be missed.

Ben Gilby-Todd, another stand-up guy, passed away after a motorcycle accident in Croatia earlier this month. A popular man taken before his time, one his friends recalls him as “the kind of guy you want to have around. He had this kind of energy that was always there”. A keen hockey player (playing for Waikato and Midlands) and a management student, he too will be missed. I never had the pleasure of meeting him, but a lot of people I think are awesome think he is awesome and that’s enough for me.

John Hughes died. No one, according to Doctor Richard Swainson, should really give a toss. Considering he wrote Beethoven (the movie about the giant, down-syndrome dog), Nexus would have to concur. He also wrote Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles. Big whoop. I once wrote a rude poem about dicks and farts. Where’s my goddamn award?!

Murdering bastard Clayton Weatherston was sent away for a good long time after murdering to death his ex-girlfriend and former student Sophie Elliot. It turns out that cheating on your boyfriend is not actually grounds for him to stab you a few hundred times. Weatherston will be away for close to twenty years and probably won’t be too popular with the ladies when he gets out. With his cheeky grin and pretty hair, I’m sure he’s real popular in prison though.

Editor Josh Drummond hunted a Nazi. He went all Simon Wiesenthal on some punk Kraut and came out with ONE HUNDRED NAZI SCALPS. A student at Waikato wrote a Masters paper about Neo-Nazi stuff and satanic stuff. A Neo-Nazi complained about it. Waikato University took it off the shelves. Nexus sprang into action and roundhouse kicked Waikato in the face. Nazis: 0. Nexus: 1. The story was later re-run in the New Zealand Jewish Chronicle, virtually guaranteeing Drummond a high-paying position with the Illuminati-Zionist elite who secretly run the world. Hint, hint.

The End of Agony and Bogan: Long running columns Agony Art And Boganology have come to a close after three and four years respectively. This has nothing to do with either Bogan getting a girlfriend or with Agony getting engaged. Honest.

Dead Baby Jokes accidentally featured on the puzzle page in August. This offended plenty of readers. Nexus promptly apologised. Somehow, local news/toilet paper Waikato Times took two months to hear about it. Once they did, they took the logical next step of running a story with a headline that made it look like Nexus not only abused children, but harvested their organs and sold them to Jews for blood libel rituals. Also, it was revealed that when you apologise to Parentline, you actually make it worse. Nexus would like to reiterate that it is very sorry for the baby jokes, but that making jokes about a terrible thing is not the same thing as doing or condoning it, as some apparently believe. By way of example, we recommend the movie The Aristocrats (R18) starring noted non-child-abusers Robin Williams, Sarah Silverman, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Penn Jillette, Teller, Jason Alexander, Hank Azaria, Bob Saget, (of Full House fame) and many, many more. Fun for all the family.

Jeff Hawkes steps down from the Waikato Student Union after being told to account for accusations of bullying other board members via text and email. A mysterious newspaper article soon appears in the Waikato Times in which Jeff Hawkes complains that he was bullied. This article is followed by another article about Jeff Hawkes, in which it is revealed he is actually amazing. Gee whizz Jeff, you actually are awesome!

Parachute Festival 2009 was visited by Agony Art and Dangerous Dave and somehow they managed to find the only guy on LSD. After following him round for a few hours and leaving cigarette butts all over Mystery Creek, Dangerous and Agony got bored and left to smoke more cigarettes at home. Parachute will not be inviting them back in the foreseeable future.

Obamanation! Last year Barack Obama was elected president of the United States and hippies everywhere waved their lighters at the prospect of not only the first African American president but also someone who wasn’t George Bush. In fact his campaign of “time for a change” was so powerful that for once there was a trickledown effect and New Zealanders got caught up in it and voted for a National government because of the change motif. People feared for Obama’s personal safety and wondered about what kind of dog his family would buy. Regardless of people’s political leanings, no one can deny that he captured people’s attentions. He also captured the attention of the Norwegian Nobel Committee and on October the 9th they awarded him the Nobel Peace Prize for “…his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples”. Supporters signalled the importance of Obama as a symbol for peace, a better world and his very real dedication to a world free of nuclear arms. They also pointed to Obama’s vision as being attuned to the committee’s hopes and attitudes. Critics pointed to the fact that very little had changed since Obama was inaugurated other than talks of visions, a line of T-shirts for lefties and less ammunition for Jon Stewart. They also pointed to other laureates such as Nelson Mandela, Kofi Annan and the 14th Dalai Lama as being people who have accomplished things as opposed to somebody who is symbolically important. Regardless of your position on whether Obama deserved the award or not, no one can deny that Obama has a huge weight on his shoulders and a lot to live up to.

Student Election Turns Ugly: Student politics are normally an ugly business, but this year it went off the hook, with filthy mud-slinging being directed at long term WSU director Glen Delamere. Previous elections have seen Nexus editors threatened, magazines stolen and claims of biased journalism. (Kiss our arse, Diablos.) This year, however, a website (now defunct) and a series of posters accusing freshly re-elected VP Glen Delemere of being a child abuser were put up on campus during election week. An investigation is still underway (involving both police and university staff) to figure out the perpetrators of these heinous crimes. The net grows closer on you, scum-bags, and there is no escape this time around. Also, Waikato Times? How about you do a front-page story on something relevant, like, um, this? Or will you wait two months, presumably to allow the issue to ripen?

Bungle of the Rumble: On October 3rd the fight of the century happened right here in Hamilton, no it wasn’t another rugby player outside the casino, but the much touted Tua v Cameron fight. A skinhead in Axcess seemed to view it as a race war; some other dude from Manawatu seemed to agree when asked who he was backing. Well if that’s the case, the Pacific Island people won – cause in the words of “The Crowd goes Wild”…SMASHED EM BRO! Tua ripped Cameron a new one. News programmes everywhere played the “highlights” of the night…which was the entire fight, given it only lasted around four minutes. Pub patrons paid $40 to watch which equates to $10 a minute per person. The Waikato Times reported that the trickle down effects may have been overestimated…no shit, Sherlock. The real highlight of the night was Tua saying that his next move was to go to Burger King and have a sleep. Cameron’s boxing gloves were sold on Trademe for $170 – we don’t care how much Cameron’s trying to pay us…we ain’t buying.

Library Chaos Continues: University students have been hard pressed to find a quiet place to work at the University library, with workmen laying waste to vast chunks of our learning hub. Supposedly it’s making it better, but when I get a migraine every time I go to write an essay, I fail to see the point. Next year’s renovations are rumoured to be even more extreme, when whole book sections will be moved, study areas closed and demons unleashed from the ancient Indian burial ground beneath the campus.

VSM: the ancient bane of every student union has reared its ugly head, thanks to National’s victory in the election. This time around, Grand Vizier Roger Douglas has summoned the beast from the depths, and looks set to unleash it early 2010. This will deprive students of many things and make rich old men chuckle that they made students run around like headless chickens, rather than banding together to fight space Nazis from Wellington.

ASS-PAS - On the 12th of September Nexus travelled to Wellington for the annual Aoteaora Student Press Association (ASPA) awards. A long van trip resulted in the usual chaos that is expected at these kinds of events. The chaos became concentrated at one table as Burton, Focker and Burns horrified anyone unfortunate enough to sit next to them in the game “I have never”. Other student journalists schmoozed and had photos taken. It seems that many other journalists had never…but Nexus had. Hunter S Thompson smiled down on us because no-one else, other than CANTA, seemed to. CANTA was even polite enough to wrestle Focker on the floor (Focker’s toe is still busted and he wants revenge, Jon!). Political reporter Barry Soper made what seemed like several appearances as guest speaker. In reality it was just one really long (winded) one as he paraded a list of people he’d made hold on the phone in front of a heckling crowd. He also touched Burns in the toilet…but only a friendly pat on the back as Burns made a particularly insightful comment about other toilet patrons. Nexus came away with a first place for Best Education Series (thanks to the aforementioned Nazi-hunt,) a second for games reviewer Antony Parnell and possibly a second for something else but Nexus’s memory is a bit hazy. (It was a second equal for Best Feature, you gimp. I wrote it – Ed) Nexus was also unimpressed at the backpackers it stayed at due to largely unfriendly staff, a $10 fee for an hour late check-out, and Focker’s repeated nakedness.

United Video Hates Child Porn: Only thing is, they weren’t fighting child porn. Some serious investigative journalism by Nexus staff found that United Video stores throughout the Waikato were using emotional blackmail to get people to sign an anti-video piracy petition. They did this by claiming that people who didn’t sign it were allowing child porn to be legal. One very grumpy manager got a telling off, but nothing really came of it. Video store staff soon stopped asking people to sign the petition, possibly out of shame.

Slopes on Campus: 13th August saw snow on campus. WSU had a truckload of snow trucked up from some mountain to set up its first Snow Dodgeball tournament. Many big guys came dressed in spandex and former WSU Director Rachel Wark came sporting a fetching handle bar moustache. Grrrrowl.

Hot air on campus not from law school: 25th March – 29th March saw the return of the very popular Balloons over Waikato return to Hamilton as various inflatables (other than the ones in Focker’s and Burton’s cupboards) returned to University. Balloons featured included Lucy the Ladybug, Mr Bup the Turtle and The Cake. Food and drink was enjoyed by all – particularly Pie Nui which included pie, peas and a severely burned tongue.

Not just a wank: 23rd May saw the fifth return of the Hamilton Circle Jerk which saw the likes of Dynamo Go, The Shrugs, Knights of the Dub table and Sora Shima (and many others) play at Flow Bar. This event has proved to be the only good reason to have a New Zealand music month and many a happy ending was had by all.

Trust WSU: 23rd September saw the students of the University of Waikato vote in favour of changing the Waikato Student Union’s constitution to form a trust in order to better look after and manage its assets. Rumour has it that Roger Douglas is even now grumbling at the prospect of not being able to sell other people’s property once again.

V8 Naming: In September owners of the V8 Supercars decided to pull the carpet out from underneath the Waikato region and change the name of the Hamilton 400 to the ITM 400 apparently due to new sponsorship deals. Mass yawning ensued.

They’re super, thanks for asking: Pride week in September heralded the celebration of GLBT students on campus. It also saw the invention and coining of the term “Gay Burgers”. Urban dictionary enthusiasts everywhere rejoiced as people eagerly awaited Tana Umaga’s participation in the hand bag toss event.

In short, this year has been one of ups and downs. We’ve fought long and hard to bring you the stories you want to read, even if it got us or you in the shit. Here’s to 2010: may it be as interesting a time (if not more so) than 2009!